I only believe in about 12% of the bible.
I guess you could call me an Eightheist.
I can’t believe it, my girlfriend accused me of cheating on her.
I told her she sounded just like my wife.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.
What do you do when an idiot throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here. I’ll go on a-head!
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?
It looks like rain, dear.
What do you call a cow with Parkinson’s disease?
Beef jerky.
My best friend said, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”.
So I hit him with the dictionary.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, or two? One . . . or two?
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Cause then it would be a foot!
My friend thinks he is so smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it.
Just in case there’s a salad dressing.
Why Can’t you take a shower with Pokemon?
It might Pikachu.
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups?
Because they can’t even.
