What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment.
I have not spoken to my wife for six months.
I don’t like to interrupt her.
I once new a guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car accident.
He is all right now.
Why are lawyers buried 14 feet down when they die?
Because deep down they are actually good people.
I really upset a couple of people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
What is Gordon Ramsey’s least favorite movie?
It’s Frozen.
What do you call a pretty ghost?
BOOtiful
My favorite bar is only five minutes from my house.
Unfortunately my house is two hours from the bar.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but only if the light bulb wants to change.
