Finally, I’m no longer a 40 year old virgin.
I just turned 41.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate.
They will kill your dog.
What did they do with the cow that learned the whole Bible?
Put it out to Pastor!
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
Bet when it does, no one is shocked.
What did the swordfish say to the marlin on prom night?
Looking sharp!
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
I made a graph of all my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out.
What is the fastest way to kill a circus?
Go straight for the juggler.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You fill it with spring water.
