When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself but I am a procrastinator so I started smoking instead.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
Bet when it does, no one is shocked.
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
What’s the key to making a good mailman joke?
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A person that stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride.
What happens if a cop catches you peeing in public?
Everyone always tells me that smoking causes disease but they never mention it also cures salmon.