A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
Autobiography
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
Plagiarizing
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
Coronavirus Plans
Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
Stephen King
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
Usain Bolt and Hitler
What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.
Thyme is Cumin
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.
Dad Jokes
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary.
Me: No it doesn’t.
Japanese Chihuahuas
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
Evil Lessons
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges.