I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Chinese Waiter
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait.
Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
Zeno’s Paradox
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
Buzz Aldrin
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
Suicidal Thoughts
I told my therapist that I am having suicidal thoughts.
He now makes me pay in advance.
Fragrance for Introverts
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
Light Up
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Contractions
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Glasses
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.”
Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
Sound Advice
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.