I always knock on the fridge before I open it.
Just in case there’s a salad dressing.
Child Psychologist
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist.
That kid didn’t help at all.
Skydiving
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
Grocery Shopping
I was grocery shopping yesterday when I saw this beautiful young woman.
I said to her, “I can’t seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?”
“Sure, but how will that help?”
“Once she sees me talking to you, I’ll bet you anything she’ll appear out of nowhere.”
5th Grade Fight
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
Walk in the Woods
A guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl: “It is getting dark out and I am getting scared”
Guy: “How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone.”
Conspiracy Theorists
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
Shakespeare’s Pencil
I own a chewed pencil that Shakespeare once used to write his famous works.
He chewed on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
Healthcare
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.
Spine Issue
Do you remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.