Everyone always tells me that smoking causes disease but they never mention it also cures salmon.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing, but not at a funeral.
I asked my Dad if we are pyromaniacs and he replied, “Yes, we arson”.
I really hate my job as a waiter but at least it puts food on the table.
I lost my mood ring the other day and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
I recently had to purchase a new lawnmower because my old one just wasn’t cutting it.
One night I was laying in bed when I looked up and thought, “where the heck is the roof?”.
Sometimes I hide my girlfriend’s inhaler just so I can hear her say “you take my breath away”.
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms there would be mass confusion.
Ever notice how those damn millennials are always walking around like they rent the place?