I forgot to give my book on paranoia back to the library and now they’re after me.
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance why doesn’t it only strike France?
My friends keep saying I’m the cheapest person they know but I’m not buying it.
Everyone always tells me that smoking causes disease but they never mention it also cures salmon.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing, but not at a funeral.
I asked my Dad if we are pyromaniacs and he replied, “Yes, we arson”.
I really hate my job as a waiter but at least it puts food on the table.
I lost my mood ring the other day and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
I recently had to purchase a new lawnmower because my old one just wasn’t cutting it.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the vast expanse of the Milky Way, and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the roof?!”