Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There is no menu, you get what you deserve.

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it and I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

Why is there a gate around most cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

How did the space alien tie his shoes?

With an astroknot.

What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?