I named my eraser “Confidence”, because it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake I made.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?
“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first, Doc.”
“They’re gonna name a disease after you.”
Dark humor is like non vaccinated kids.
It never gets old.
Dad: Son, In Iraq I killed 12 people.
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic.
Dad: I never said I was a good one.
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis.
What is the easiest way to kill an introvert?
Put a stranger in their kitchen. They’ll starve to death.
I got my kid a puppy as a Christmas present, but it died.
Now I’m stuck taking care of a puppy.
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old.
I Just need to find a place to bury her.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.