Why should you not make fun of fat girls with lisps?

Because they are thick and tired of it!

I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year.

All my attempts this year have been pretty successful.

When do all hot dogs look alike?

When they are in bread.

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 3 years ago?

I hate it when my kid won’t stop crying in the middle of the night

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods has a better driver.

I just pooped my pants.

Which is really strange because I don’t remember eating them.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Pit bull coming from a children’s playground.

I called a rape advice hotline yesterday but they were not really helpful.

Apparently it’s only for victims.