What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as, “The most violent book I ever read”.

My grief counselor died last week but he was so good at his job I didn’t even care.

What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

I’m like a God to my girlfriend.

I’m always watching her yet she doesn’t know I exist.

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

What do the Titanic and the movie Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

A person that stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.