I recently had to purchase a new lawnmower because my old one just wasn’t cutting it.
Why shouldn’t you make fun of fat girls with lisps?
Because they are thick and tired of it!
I have an imaginary friend that likes to make me feel bad.
He always reminds me that at least he has a real friend.
I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year.
All my attempts this year have been pretty successful.
When do all hot dogs look alike?
When they are in bread.
I kind of think Steve Jobs would have been a better President than Donald Trump but I really should not compare apples to oranges.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes I swear, all the others were at least a 6”.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet.
All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I found it really hard to deal with.
I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex, the small arms dealer.