I went on a job interview for a security guard.
After spending 8 hours in the waiting room I was hired.
New Privacy Policy
My son came home as I was taking his door off the hinges and he asked me “Dad, what are you doing?”
“Just updating our privacy policy”.
Vegan BBQ
What’s the worst thing about going to a vegan BBQ?
The screaming.
Take my Breath Away
Sometimes I hide my girlfriend’s inhaler just so I can hear her say “you take my breath away”.
Tough Sentence
The world tongue-twister champion was just arrested.
I bet they are going to give him a really tough sentence.
The Difference
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
Tiger Woods has a better driver.
Grandpa Walking
At the age of 60 my grandpa started walking five miles a day.
He turns 72 tomorrow and we have no idea where he is.
Little Things
For our anniversary I bought my wife beads for her abacus.
It is the little things that count.
Fear of Elevators
I have a sever fear of elevators.
That is why I always take steps to avoid them.
Pooped My Pants
I just pooped my pants.
Which is really strange because I don’t remember eating them.