I recently had to purchase a new lawnmower because my old one just wasn’t cutting it.
Fat Lisps
Why shouldn’t you make fun of fat girls with lisps?
Because they are thick and tired of it!
Imaginary Friend
I have an imaginary friend that likes to make me feel bad.
He always reminds me that at least he has a real friend.
Attempted Mugging
I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year.
All my attempts this year have been pretty successful.
Same Hotdogs
When do all hot dogs look alike?
When they are in bread.
Better President
I kind of think Steve Jobs would have been a better President than Donald Trump but I really should not compare apples to oranges.
The Only One
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes I swear, all the others were at least a 6”.
Crossing Dino
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet.
Birthday Gift
All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I found it really hard to deal with.
Small Arms
I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex, the small arms dealer.