I used to sell security alarms door to door and I was great at it.
If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Millennials
Ever notice how those damn millennials are always walking around like they rent the place?
Titanic Warning
My grandfather tried to warn people that the Titanic would sink.
Eventually they had enough of him and kicked him out of the movie theater.
Iconic Bond
The name’s Bond.
Iconic bond. Taken, not shared.
Old Friend
I ran into an old friend from school today who immediately starting bragging about his wonderful life.
The he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? is she good looking?”
I said, “No, she’s a optician.”
Adult Supervision
I just turned 18 but there is still no change in my eye sight.
When do I get my adult supervision?
Favorite Letter
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma’am,
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
Illegal Downloading
Nickel Bet
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”
Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”
Girl Treatment
Girls treat me like a god.
They mostly act like I don’t exist until they need something from me.
Bored Pirates
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
Because they were sitting on the deck.