What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet?
A desserter.
Helen Keller
Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.
Nice Neighbors
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
High Fish
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Unvaccinated Toddler
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis.
Peeing in the Shower
Why do men pee in the shower?
Because peeing in the bath would just be gross.
Delighted
I turned off the lights while my wife was still in the basement.
I thought she was going to be mad, but she was just delighted.
Boston Soldier
A lady accidentally locked herself out of her car just outside of Boston.
Luckily, a passing soldier notices her and assures her that he can help. First, he takes off his pants. He then rolls them into a ball and rubs them against the car handle.
Almost immediately, the car door unlocks.
“That was amazing! How did you do that?” The woman asks.
“Well, it’s simple”, the soldier replies, “these are my khakis.”
My Girlfriend
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Name Change
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to “Dick”.
Especially since his name is “Steve”.